Laughter
is the sun that drives the winter from the human face. (Victor Hugo)
Seven
days without laughter makes one weak. (Mort Walker)
You only live once, but if you
work it right, once is enough. (Joe E. Lewis)
Last
season we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a
coach was that I couldn't think of anywhere else to play.
(Harry Neale, pro
hockey coach)
When I was born I was so surprised I
couldn't talk for a year and a half. (Gracie Allen)
The
secret of managing is to keep the people who hate you away from the people who
are undecided.
(Casey Stengel)
There is no crisis to which academics
will not respond with a seminar.
"Who's on first?"
"Yes." "I mean the fellow's name." "Who."
"The guy on first." "Who." "The first baseman."
"Who." "The guy playing..." "Who is on first!"
"I'm asking you who's on first." "That's the man's name."
"That's who's name?" "Yes." "Well go ahead and tell
me." "That's it." "That's who?" "Yes."
(Abbott & Costello)
Having
children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. (Martin Mull)
What did the Zen master say to
the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." (Steve Rosenbloom)
I am convinced that everyone in the
world is crazy except thee and me and I’m not so sure about thee.
Marriage is like flies on the screen
door. The ones on the outside want in, and the ones on the inside want
out. (Mark Twain)
I used to play golf with a guy who
cheated so badly that he once had a hole in one and wrote down zero on his
scorecard. (Bob Bruce)
Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women, and Irish
whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste.
(Pitcher Tug McGraw,
when asked how he spends his money.)
Needs to know - Doesn't need to know -
Doesn't want to know - Wants to know but never will - Knows you know -
Shouldn't know - Knows - Knows but won't tell - Knows it all. (Fast Company magazine)
Average: the best of the lousy and the
lousiest of the best.
We are Siamese cats if you please
We are Siamese cats if you don't please
Now we're looking at our new domicile
If we like it, maybe we'll stay for quite awhile
(Peggy Lee)
Sports fans are just dressed up
sheep. (Norm Hitzes)
Only in
the NCAA basketball tournament do bugs exult as they careen toward a
windshield. (Jason Butler)
If it's a
fence, mend it; if it's a dollar bill, spend it.
If it's a load, truck it; if it's a
punch, duck it.
If it's a job, do it, put your back to
it.
If it's a horse, ride it; if it hurts,
hide it.
That's cowboy logic.
He's got a simple solution to just
about anything.
If youth but knew and age but
could do.
A boy's idea of a balanced meal is
a piece of cake in each hand.
He’s the
kind of guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time
it is. (Lou Diva)
Mother in
law, the worst person I know
She worries me so
If she would leave us alone
We'd have a happy home
Sent from down below
Satan should be her name
To me they're about the same
Every time I open my mouth
She tries to put me out
How could she be so low?
I come home with my pay
She asks what I made
I wish she wouldn't come back no more
(Ernie K. Doe)
Never
underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.
I feel like a firecracker on the 5th
day of July! (Chester Goode in Gunsmoke)
This is another fine mess you've gotten
me into!
(Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel)
On
being noble: I have decided that what can't be cured must be endured;
that when given a lemon I will make lemonade; that I will let a smile be my
umbrella on a rainy day; that I will grin and bear it; that I will never let
them see me sweat; that I will go the extra mile, keep the faith, stay the
course, be a happy camper, be of good cheer, be a good sport, a good loser, and
a happy warrior. I will also swallow my pride, eat crow, lick my wounds,
bury the hatchet, beat my sword into a plowshare, and study war no more.
I will also pitch in and help, aid and abet, shoulder my part of the load, be a
strong link in the chain and keep a stiff upper lip. I will try to do my
best, do my darndest, keep on keeping on and raise the colors! (Martha Nichols)
Whatever happens to me next year will
happen to me, regardless of what happens.
I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally
tired, so he can get out of doing things he doesn’t want to do.” (George
Carlin)
I don't
know. I only played there nine years.
(Former Dallas Cowboy fullback Walt
Garrison, when asked if Cowboys coach Tom Landry ever smiled.)
My life
was all music. That’s all there
was. Just all music, all day and all
night music. Just any kind of music you
play for me, I melt with all of it.
(jazz musician Lester Young)
A
bad cat deserves a bad rat.
"The natives are attacking, Jungle
Jim!" "Well what do you know about that."
"Nothing really, Jungle Jim."
Making a
really tough decision is like having two twin daughters that are both up for
homecoming queen. (Bob Brenly)
A
baseball manager on his slumping shortstop: Until he allows the pitcher to
actually let go of the ball before he takes a whack at it, he’s going to struggle.
(Clint Hurdel)
Say it
again! (Goober on the Andy Griffith Show)
Egoist: someone who is always me-deep
in conversation.
If it looks complicated, quickly lose
interest. (Calvin Coolidge)
On the movie, The New Guy:
"Every
nanosecond of the The New Guy reminds you that you could be doing something
else far more pleasurable. Something like scrubbing the toilet. Or emptying rat
traps. Or doing last year's taxes with your ex-wife." (Tor Thorsen)
"Every
so often a movie comes along that confirms one's worse fears about civilization
as we know it. The New Guy is one of them." (Steven Rea)
"Occasionally
loud and offensive, but more often, it simply lulls you into a gentle waking
coma." (Eric D. Snider)
"It made
me want to wrench my eyes out of my head and toss them at the screen."
(Tony Toscano)
"Although
it starts off so bad that you feel like running out screaming, it eventually
works its way up to merely bad rather than painfully awful." (Steve Rhodes)
If you can’t smile and say yes, please
don’t cry and say no. (Nat King Cole song)
Because
if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day.
(Green Bay Packers running back Paul
Horning, on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.)
Pittsburgh
Pirates outfielder Craig Wilson, voted NL Player of the Week: It's a nice honor
and it is nice to get a watch, but I never wear a watch. I just look out
the window and see if it's daytime or nighttime.
I never worry about money because I
have enough to last me the rest of my life--unless I spend some!
You look
like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I’m a football running back. If you need 2 yards, I’ll get
you 3. If you need 10 yards, I’ll get
you 3.
The
nation’s first drive-through barbershop must be in Milwaukee. How else to explain Bud Selig’s haircut?
(Dave Kindred)
When you get real old, what doesn't
hurt, doesn't work!
Formula for successful public
speaking: Be sincere, be succinct, be seated.
Start the day with Mozart and you'll
have plenty of sunshine.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)
To get
something done, a committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent. (Author unknown)
HOORAY
FOR GEORGE CARLIN!
Think of how strange
we’d look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes,
and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.
I never watch
Those who dance are
considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
I put a dollar in one
of those change machines, nothing changed.
You know what they
don’t have? Cake-flavored pie.
If a painting can be
forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
If a cigarette smoker
wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
Is a vegetarian
permitted to eat animal crackers?
In a haunted house,
what does the ghost do between owners, when the house is empty? Does he rehearse? Take time off? Maybe he tries on new sheets. If I were a ghost, I would temporarily haunt
the house next door and work on new stuff.
If you really want to
put a faith healer to the test, tell him you want a smaller shoe size.
The reason the
mainstream is thought of as a stream if because it’s so shallow.
YOGI BERRA SAID IT ALL
It ain't over 'till it's over.
It's deja vu all over again.
You can observe a lot by watching.
If you come to a fork in the road, take
it.
If the people don't want to come out to
the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them.
Baseball is 90% mental. The other
half is physical.
You better cut the pizza into 4 pieces
because I'm not hungry enough to eat 8.
I knew I would probably take the wrong
train, so I left early.
You got to be very careful if you don't
know where you're going, because you might not get there.
It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem
like it.
It was impossible to get a conversation
going, because everybody's was talking too much.
How can I find it if it's lost?
I know exactly where it was, I just
couldn't find it.
I doubled checked it 6 times.
The similarities between my father and
me are different.
The future ain't what it used to be.
It gets late early out here.
If you ask me a question I don't know,
I'm not going to answer it.
If I didn't wake up, I'd still be
sleeping.
I wish I had an answer to that
question, because I'm tired of answering it.
Why buy good luggage? You only use it
when you travel.
I think Little League baseball is
wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
I always thought that record would
stand until it was broken.
Don't always follow the crowd, because
nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
(When asked what time it was) You mean
right now?
(When asked if a movie scared him) Only
the scary parts.
(On seeing his first opera) I really
like it. Even the music was good.
(On life insurance) I don't know what
type is best, but I know none is bad.
(I hope I didn't wake you Yogi, the
early morning caller said ) Nah, I had to get up anyway to answer the phone.
(When Joe DiMaggio successfully slid
into home plate.) Was DiMaggio fast? No, he just got there in time.
I didn't really say everything I said.