Laughter is the sun
that drives the winter from the human face. (Victor Hugo)
Seven days without laughter makes one weak. (Mort
You only live once,
but if you work it right, once is enough. (Joe E. Lewis)
Last season we
couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was
that I couldn't think of anywhere else to play.
(Harry Neale,
pro hockey coach)
When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year
and a half. (Gracie Allen)
The secret of managing is to keep the people who hate you
away from the people who are undecided.
(Casey Stengel)
There is no crisis to which academics will not respond with a
seminar.
"Who's on first?" "Yes." "I mean the
fellow's name." "Who." "The guy on first."
"Who." "The first baseman." "Who." "The guy
playing..." "Who is on first!" "I'm asking you who's
on first." "That's the man's name." "That's who's
name?" "Yes." "Well go ahead and tell me."
"That's it." "That's who?" "Yes."
(Abbott & Costello)
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain. (Martin Mull)
What did the Zen
master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
(Steve Rosenbloom)
I am convinced that everyone in the world is crazy except
thee and me and I’m not so sure about thee.
Marriage is like flies on the screen door. The ones on
the outside want in, and the ones on the inside want out. (Mark Twain)
I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he
once had a hole in one and wrote down zero on his scorecard. (Bob Bruce)
Ninety percent I'll
spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other ten percent I'll
probably waste.
(Pitcher Tug McGraw, when asked how he spends
his money.)
Needs to know - Doesn't need to know - Doesn't want to know -
Wants to know but never will - Knows you know - Shouldn't know - Knows - Knows
but won't tell - Knows it all. (Fast
Company magazine)
Average: the best of the lousy and the lousiest of the best.
We are Siamese cats
if you please
We are Siamese cats
if you don't please
Now we're looking at
our new domicile
If we like it, maybe
we'll stay for quite awhile
(Peggy Lee)
Sports fans are just dressed up sheep. (Norm Hitzes)
Only in the NCAA basketball tournament do bugs exult as they
careen toward a windshield. (Jason Butler)
If it's a fence, mend it; if it's a dollar bill, spend it.
If it's a load, truck it; if it's a
punch, duck it.
If it's a job, do it, put your back to
it.
If it's a horse, ride it; if it hurts,
hide it.
That's cowboy logic.
He's got a simple solution to just
about anything.
If youth but knew and
age but could do.
A boy's idea of a balanced meal is a piece of cake in
each hand.
He’s the kind of guy who gets up at six o’clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is. (Lou Diva)
Mother in law, the worst person I know
She worries me so
If she would leave us alone
We'd have a happy home
Sent from down below
Satan should be her name
To me they're about the same
Every time I open my mouth
She tries to put me out
How could she be so low?
I come home with my pay
She asks what I made
I wish she wouldn't come back no more
(Ernie K. Doe)
Never underestimate
the power of stupid people in a large group.
I feel like a firecracker on the 5th day of July! (
This is another fine mess you've gotten me into!
(Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel)
On being noble: I have decided that what can't be
cured must be endured; that when given a lemon I will make lemonade; that I
will let a smile be my umbrella on a rainy day; that I will grin and bear it;
that I will never let them see me sweat; that I will go the extra mile, keep
the faith, stay the course, be a happy camper, be of good cheer, be a good
sport, a good loser, and a happy warrior. I will also swallow my pride,
eat crow, lick my wounds, bury the hatchet, beat my sword into a plowshare, and
study war no more. I will also pitch in and help, aid and abet, shoulder
my part of the load, be a strong link in the chain and keep a stiff upper
lip. I will try to do my best, do my darndest, keep on keeping on and
raise the colors! (Martha Nichols)
Whatever happens to me next year will happen to me,
regardless of what happens.
I think a guy should
be able to declare himself legally tired, so he can get out of doing things he
doesn’t want to do.” (George Carlin)
I don't know. I only played there nine years.
(Former Dallas Cowboy fullback Walt
Garrison, when asked if Cowboys coach Tom Landry ever smiled.)
My life was all music.
That’s all there was. Just all
music, all day and all night music. Just
any kind of music you play for me, I melt with all of it.
(jazz musician Lester
Young)
A bad cat deserves a
bad rat.
"The natives are attacking, Jungle Jim!"
"Well what do you know about that." "Nothing really,
Jungle Jim."
Making a really tough decision is like having two twin
daughters that are both up for homecoming queen. (Bob Brenly)
A baseball manager on his slumping shortstop: Until he allows
the pitcher to actually let go of the ball before he takes a whack at it, he’s
going to struggle. (Clint Hurdel)
Say it again! (Goober on the Andy Griffith Show)
Egoist: someone who
is always me-deep in conversation.
If it looks complicated, quickly lose interest. (Calvin
Coolidge)
On the movie, The New
Guy:
"Every
nanosecond of the The New Guy reminds you that you could be doing something
else far more pleasurable. Something like scrubbing the toilet. Or emptying rat
traps. Or doing last year's taxes with your ex-wife." (Tor Thorsen)
"Every
so often a movie comes along that confirms one's worse fears about civilization
as we know it. The New Guy is one of them." (Steven Rea)
"Occasionally
loud and offensive, but more often, it simply lulls you into a gentle waking
coma." (Eric D. Snider)
"It made
me want to wrench my eyes out of my head and toss them at the screen."
(Tony Toscano)
"Although
it starts off so bad that you feel like running out screaming, it eventually
works its way up to merely bad rather than painfully awful." (Steve Rhodes)
If you can’t smile and say yes, please don’t cry and say no.
(Nat King Cole song)
Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the
whole day.
(Green Bay Packers running back Paul
Horning, on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.)
Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Craig Wilson, voted NL Player
of the Week: It's a nice honor and it is nice to get a watch, but I never wear
a watch. I just look out the window and see if it's daytime or nighttime.
I never worry about money because I have enough to last me
the rest of my life--unless I spend some!
You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every
branch on the way down.
I’m a football
running back. If you need 2 yards, I’ll get you 3. If you need 10 yards, I’ll get you 3.
The nation’s first drive-through barbershop must be in
When you get real
old, what doesn't hurt, doesn't work!
Formula for successful public speaking: Be sincere, be
succinct, be seated.
Start the day with Mozart and you'll have plenty of sunshine.
Abstainer: a
weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
(Ambrose Bierce)
To get something done, a committee
should consist of three men, two of whom are absent. (Author unknown)
HOORAY FOR GEORGE CARLIN!
Think
of how strange we’d look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches,
bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the
same time.
I never
watch
Those
who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
I put a
dollar in one of those change machines, nothing changed.
You
know what they don’t have? Cake-flavored
pie.
If a
painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so
valuable?
If a
cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
Is a
vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
In a haunted
house, what does the ghost do between owners, when the house is empty? Does he rehearse? Take time off? Maybe he tries on new sheets. If I were a ghost, I would temporarily haunt
the house next door and work on new stuff.
If you
really want to put a faith healer to the test, tell him you want a smaller shoe
size.
The
reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream if because it’s so shallow.
YOGI BERRA SAID IT
ALL
It ain't over 'till
it's over.
It's deja vu all over again.
You can observe a lot by watching.
If you come to a fork in the road, take
it.
If the people don't want to come out to
the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them.
Baseball is 90% mental. The other
half is physical.
You better cut the pizza into 4 pieces
because I'm not hungry enough to eat 8.
I knew I would probably take the wrong
train, so I left early.
You got to be very careful if you don't
know where you're going, because you might not get there.
It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem
like it.
It was impossible to get a conversation
going, because everybody's was talking too much.
How can I find it if it's lost?
I know exactly where it was, I just
couldn't find it.
I doubled checked it 6 times.
The similarities between my father and
me are different.
The future ain't what it used to be.
It gets late early out here.
If you ask me a question I don't know,
I'm not going to answer it.
If I didn't wake up, I'd still be
sleeping.
I wish I had an answer to that
question, because I'm tired of answering it.
Why buy good luggage? You only use it
when you travel.
I think Little League baseball is
wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
I always thought that record would
stand until it was broken.
Don't always follow the crowd, because
nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
(When asked what time it was) You mean
right now?
(When asked if a movie scared him) Only
the scary parts.
(On seeing his first opera) I really
like it. Even the music was good.
(On life insurance) I don't know what
type is best, but I know none is bad.
(I hope I didn't wake you Yogi, the
early morning caller said ) Nah, I had to get up anyway to answer the phone.
(When Joe DiMaggio successfully slid
into home plate.) Was DiMaggio fast? No, he just got there in time.
I didn't really say everything I said.